This blog is now to serve a purpose. It shall be my friend. I can get things off my chest, cry in type, let it out how i'm feeling, how the actions, or non actions, of others is deeply hurting me, how scared and lonely i have been without anyone feeling like i'm being rude. I do have friends, even a couple who would no doubt visit, and often, if they lived in the same town, or state even, as me.
My current situation is a resident at Redding Post Acute Care. I fell on a wet bathroom floor at my mobile home at the end of October. I couldn't even stand up. I was able to crawl to my bedroom. Two of my sons came over and helped me onto my bed. The following morning, I still could not bear weight so my daughter in law called an ambulance. I was taken to Mercy. I had a fractured tibia. They admitted me and I spent a week there. I live in a mobile and have the typical trailer porch with stairs. So I was given the choice to be discharged to my son's house or here. I thought about it. I really really wanted to be with my family. But at the time was requiring a lot of personal care. I obviously don't want my sons handling my personal care. It would have been a lot of extra work on my daughter in law. So, I chose to come to Redding Post Acute. I was encouraged it was maybe miles from my son's house. I had no idea how little i would actually see any of them. I obviously made the right choice. I miss them so much, painfully so. But they are obviously too busy with their daily responsibilities to have had me underfoot. The day I was to be discharged I had posted on social media asking if anyone was familiar with this place. A friend called to tell me personally her experience as a former employee here. She emphasized for family to visit regualrly and often. I told my family about her call. We were famaliar that residents with visitors get better care having experienced my mom at a facility for so long. My dad and I made sure one of us was there daily. It was usually my dad, but I did visit her several times a week. The difference in care was obvious. I felt so bad for her roommate. They were horrible to her. It wasn't this place. I often had words with their aides about how residents were treated in front of me. And my dad and I spoke with her doctors, aides, pt therapists. We were involved in my mom's care. I was confident my family would be for me too. I should state that I had multiple strokes last year. My family was great helping me, even taking me to doctors appointments regardless of how far. I never had to visit a doctor alone. I was so grateful. The strokes not only left me weaker on my left side but also so easily confused, scary confused and even less patience than before. But I was never alone, except for at home as needed, i would get so overwhelmed so weekly my daughter in law made sure i had a few hours to myself to just relax and heal. She was my primary reason i chose to come here. If I stayed with them taking care of me would have fallen primarily on her. She already has more on her plate than she can handle. We all love and appreciate her so much, I couldn't fathom adding to her load. I have been here for about 72 days. I could probably count how many times anyone has visited. Maybe it sounds petty. Perhaps I should explain my headspace.
Have you ever had to move somewhere with a bunch of people, not knowing any of them, in a building you have never been in and you have to rely on these strangers for your most personal needs, bed pans, sitz baths, eventually showers... Its humiliating and scary. I come from a very modest family. I wouldn't want any of these people seing me pee on a toilet, - defintely not on a bed or cleaning me up. But it had to be done and at least this burden wasn't on my family. I didn't want them burdened with my care, but i did want to see them. I found myself surrounded by so many people, the wrong people, none of them family. It was a new kind of lonely. The nurses and doctors had so many questions I'm not even sure I answered correctly. Scary suddenly having to deal with doctors by myself and while feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable.
My first roommate was great. We were together for about a month then one day someone came in and told her she was being discharged the next day. Her family was there gathering her stuff. Her family being there was nothing new. Her daughter and son in law came to visit her everyday. It was nice to see how close she was to her daughter. I visited quite a bit with my first roommate. I felt like I really got to know her. It was nice. When my family visited, my grandkids would sneak peeks around the curtain fascinated by her. Assumingly because her first name was the same as my grandson's mom. I missed her when she left, but i was happy for her.
My next roommate I only had for a day, maybe two. She was horrible. It was the same day Debbie was discharged. I was wheeled down for a shower and when the brought me back, my new roommate had already arrived. Awkward to meet someone while cold and wrapped in towels. But that wasn't her fault. I was told she's 97 and her son would be visiting, i don't remember what all was said. She was so supposed to be a sweet old lady. I was not prepared for her. At times I overheard residents be mean, demanding or yell at our aides. It was rotten, obviously bothered me and I tried to commensate by always telling them thank you and doing what i could for myself. I was not prepared for her level of meanness towards those actually taking care of us. She was especially mean to the younger aides, one of them appeared near tears. She would yell at them and say they didn't know their ass from a whole in the ground. And she refused to use her call light. Instead she would just do these scream bursts until they came to see what she wanted. Then my favorite aid - she was so horrible to her! She would threaten to throw her s%^% on the wall. And she swore constantly. I was so worried my family would visit while she was there. The one time they did, the aides were great and had us visit in the dining room shielded from my roommates outbursts. That night they called and had her transported back to the hospital suspecting maybe an infection. They assured me when she returned from the hospital they would put her in a different room, and they did. I have since seen her in the gym when i was there for physical therapy. Her son was there too. She was like a different person. She did seem like a sweet old lady. Maybe she did have an infection. Maybe she just needed the assurance of her soon when taken somewhere new to live.
My third roommate had the happiest smile, reminds me of a cartoon smile. She was hit by a car while walking across the street in Eureka and woke up in a hospital here. All she had to wear was the hospital gowns because the clothes she was wearing had to be cut off of her by emergency personnel. She expecting any visitors, none of her family lives here. I ordered her a couple of outfits from Walmart, there deliveries are convenient and often same day. She would ask the aides for a phone to call her daughter multiple times day. I suggested she look into one of those free cell phone programs. She told her family. Apparently she has had one in the past but she was eligible for a new one and they sent one to her. She talked on her phone ecitedly, loudly and often - the language was - well often foul. But she was happy so i wore my headphones. And I bought her headphones. Any foul language she spoke would obviously still be heard, but any from her entretainment on her phone could be limited to just for her enjoyment.
Funny I was quite found of her even though she drove me nuts. She opened the window almost every day. This was frustrating for a couple of reasons. One - its winter. My body does not handle cold well. I have osteoarthritis in both hips, my neck right shoulder, upper back and various other places. Needless to say cold is painful. I also have Reynauds, the cold causes my hands to cramp painfully and sometimes turn colors. My kids brought me a box of those handwarmers like for camping - the little bags you shake and the friction causes them to warm up. Those are great. I also wore my gloves - even the medical gloves they have here help a little - and I bought a rechargable neck warmer. Allergies however are even harder to control. I wore a mask but it didn't help. A couple of times I ended up with a bloody nose. It was especially bad if it was really windy outside. One of those horribly windy nose bleed days, i don't even think our window was open. Maybe it was because there was a door to outside not far from our room. I went for a short walk with pt and the sidewalk along by our parking lot their are a couple of random dishes of cat food for feral neighborhood cats. Mystery solved. There were a few frustrating things, but none intentional.
I tried to make my room as homey as possible. I bought a nice big comfy pillow and pink pillow case, a big cozy pink comforter, lavender calming spray like we have at home and coloring books and pencils for when the kids visit. I bought cards in case i had a visitor long enough for a card game (they are still in the package). I desparately did not want my kids to feel like I was constantly whining for them to visit. I know they are busy and they already have done so much for me. I was trying to be content. I even started to make plans, simple plans. I was going to get a specific digital picture frame and I knew where I wanted to hang it, and a few other things just to help convey my contentness with my new home to others and to myself.
My amazing therapist has continued our weekly sessions now coming here. It was during our session last week, staff came in and asked if I would be willing to change rooms. They explained they needed a room for 2 males they would be admitting and wanted to know if my roommate and myself would be willing to give up the room. We both would be moved to the man hall were the rooms appeared to be the same size but were 3 beds each instead of 2. We would no longer be roommates, but would be neighbors. We both said no. We wanted to stay in our current rooms. Minutes later, staff returned and told us that we didn't actually have a choice and would be moved to our new rooms that day. A painful reminder - I have zero control in my life - this is simply a business and they could make more money if we filled those other beds - insurance pays the same whether or not we're happy. I threw a bit of it fit. I even swore - loudly. I messaged my son. I would just leave. I'm due to be discharged next week anyway. I'm already quite anxious and uncertain about that - I don't have the mental space to handle a new room, adjusting to new roommates, new aides, etc. My son was quite clear they were not ready to deal with me at home yet. But he said he could help me with the room move. (Apparently, he couldn't afterall. He never came. I'm sure he knew how distraught I was over the situation so something big must have came up).
My first week here, I cried everyday to the point the aide was worried about me and would refer me to the social worker. This move reminded me of that week. This hall is very different, even different aides. The room itself is warmer than my previous room. And my new roomates eat in the dining room. Thats it for the positives of the new room. I seriously cannot handle the sound of people eating. In my previous room, I wore headphones during meals. So having the room to myself during meals is nice. The room appears to be roughly the same size as the other one. But with three beds, there is a lot less space. I have lived her for over 2 months. I have stuff. Now i'm practically sitting on my stuff. Also, when I leave my room even to go to the gym for pt, I genrally wear medical gloves. There are just so many people here and I don't want to touch anything they have touched. Now I'm in a room were our beds are only a couple of feet apart - the bathroom! Oh my - that's maybe the worst part. Maybe. I was already a bit paranoid in the bathroom of my previous room. I didn't really have to share it. The aides used it to clean out my roommates bedpan. But to me, it felt like there was splatter everywhere (likely my imagination). I bought disinfectant spray, kept it in the bathroom and sprayed liberally each time before I used it. The new room. I think only one of my 2 new roommates uses it - from this room. But this bathroom is shared with the next room. Three other people!!!!! I don't know how many, if any, use the bathroom. Obviously, I'm not the only one. There's a narrow coomode thing over the toilet I have to move out of the way each time I use it. So obviously, I use the disinfectant spray liberally to combat the possible germs of maybe 5 other people. The soap dispenser appears to have been pertially removed. I finally got someone to listen and give us the bag of soap refill which sits balanced on the sink so we can wash our hands. Well, I wash my hands, I hope the others do as well. When you close the door to the bathroom it causes the door to the next room to bounce open slightly. Even in a hurry to pee, I must make sure both doors are shut, move the commode and disinfect everything. Afterwards, make sure to hold down the handle for the toilet to flush. Something is obviously wrong with it, why is it constantly running? Not only are there 3 of us, 3 beds, but we each have a wheelchair. In my previous room, I was instructed to use my chair to get myself from my bed to the bathroom. That is absolutely not possible in this room. My new roommates seem nice. I was in here a couple of days before I was told their names. One of them recently had over $100 stolen. Its really sad. She has also been trying to tell them for a couple of days about her tummy issues. I told my favorite aid from the previous hall. Its being handled now. They are both nice. Their family members who have visited have been nice. Its only been a couple of days. The do appear elderly. It sounds awful, but I am scared one of them will die. Obviously I feel bed for them, their families. But selfishly, I don't want to wake up and a dead person is in the room.
I have much more to blog about. But my therapist will be here in about 30 minutes and i want a quick nap. They woke me up at 4 to do a blooddraw. I'm tired. Why at 4am? Because that's what was convenient for them. This is a business and I am simply a line item.
