Lost and Tired

<p>I am beyond overwhlemed. We had hoped that my mom would be released from the hospital tomorrow. In all fairness, I didn't really expect it though. They are going to try to use her g tube tonight. This will be the first attempt since she had it put in last Monday. She has had several set backs. When she is released it will be to a skilled nursing facility. But they are having difficulty finding one within the county where we live that will take her (due to the severity of her health care needs). My dad stays with her every night at the hospital. You can see the fear and uncertainty in his eyes. They have been together since they were in their early teens. Its just so sad. I was telling the lady at the front desk about them this morning and started to cry. I hate crying so I didn't bother to tell her about all the many complications that we have experienced these past couple of weeks.</p>
<p>The day we left to come to Sacramento for mom's appointment was the start of many things that could go wrong and did. We dropped a key to our house of with a friend. I scraped my Jeep on their fence while backing out of their driveway. I seriously wanted to scream. I try so hard to it looking nice. Now the scrape seems like such a small issue. The other day I was driving down Fulton Ave (still in Sacramento, long way from home) and my driver's side front tire locked up. I managed to squeal my way into a nearby parking lot. The tire marks on the road show my short path. The bolts had came out of my caliper. Now my wheel and tire need replaced. Did I mention that I had already messed up my bank account before my paycheck direct deposited? Yep, I really messed it up. I can't afford a wheel or yet another tire! But I am thankful that the wheel didn't lock up just a bit earlier when I was on the freeway AND that I have a job, therefore a paycheck to be direct deposited. However, I am currently on a Family Medical Leave to help take care of my mom. I am thankful for the leave, but concerned. I am concerned because you only get 55% of your income on leave. Maybe scared is more accurate than concerned. I already wasn't bringing home enough to cover our bills and multiple expenses on the Jeep.

I have prayed and prayed but still am not sure what I'm suppose to do. We have missed a week of meetings. It feels like a year. We brought our book bags. The boys didn't bring there suits though. We went to Thrift Town this morning for meeting clothes. I spent way more than I could afford. Everyone now has something fairly nice to wear to meeting. Now we just need to find the closest Hall. (Has to be close - we are driving on a donut tire). I need to make it to a meeting. I am certain I will then find my center, my inner peace. I could then begin to process all that is happening, what my role is and how to proceed.

I am used to having a plan, and a plan b. I am goal driven and generally have a knack for rolling with the punches. But now my head is spinning. My heart is racing from the time I open my eyes each morning, so confused, so tired. Lost.

Communication Breakdown

Its not just an awesome song, but quite seriously a reality. It feels kind of surreal as we watch it happen. I was recently at an event where no one seemed to know what each other was truly saying and the tension was thick. Part of what made it so confusing was the person leading the discussion appeared to be supporting an idea that was way out of character for him. I watched, I listened, I was grasping for any sense of it all. I don't think I was alone. Yet, amongst us was vultures, ready to take advantage of this miscommunication for personal gain. They remain true to character.

The facilitator was visibly distraught when I saw him an hour or so later. He did not understand how he was interpreted so far from what he was trying to say. I asked him if anyone knew ahead of time what he had planned on saying. No. That could have helped. I have heard him speak before, and have known him for years. I asked him some questions that pieced together previous times I have heard him and knowing his passion for the topic with this recent incident. He really meant to rekindle a previous speech with a discussion. It sadly took a drastic turn.

This was not only a lesson in communication, but also in leadership (ironic, much?). Leaders need not lead alone. A leader must gather forces before charging forward. This was an attempt to rally troops that weren't all on the same side. Perhaps with the absence of just a couple, that could have happened. A leader must recognize who their allies are, and maybe more importantly, who they aren't. Then they may proceed, communicating differently between the two.

Predetermined allies within the crowd would have made a world of difference. I hope that those who know him went home and gave thought to who they really know him to be. They will then be able to discern what he was trying to accomplish. I hope, too, that he will be given an opportunity to clarify his intentions.

Overwhelmed and reduced to whining

Just a quick warning to all off my imaginary readers ☺- I am seriously overwhelmed with many things beyond my control... I have decided to submit to whining. It appears to make others feel better. That must be why so many do it so often. My blog is the venue for my whining since I don't post much anyway, and it doesn't feel as annoying as whining to people. Besides, that would require me confiding in someone, which apparently I can do online, huh? But I don't trust people. I don't want to, not in this system.

I continue to be overwhelmed with more responsibility than I can handle (primarily funds or lack thereof). I have no idea how I am going to get my Jeep fixed so that it doesn't rattle completely off the road as I attempt to drive it on the freeway, oh and I would really like to get the check engine light issues resolved so that I can get it smogged and finish putting it in my name (time-stamp on that one, registration due in a few months). Not to mention the bills I have agreed to continue to climb way beyond my pay scale. PGE and ATT, ouch, are way out of hand. I don't even know when the last time I paid either of them in full. I miss my little pink house and my little pink house bills. We gave it up when my hours were cut. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to afford to stay there without seriously letting go of less threatening bills. Perhaps I was a bit hasty. I pay almost as much in just ATT as I did in rent on that place. The utilities were low, about a quarter of what we pay now.We didn't have a home phone, but I hate having a home phone, so that was alright. The best part, though, was definitely the atmosphere. We had a happy home. The boys had friends over often. We played games a lot. We prepared for all the meetings thoroughly but in a timely manner. Family studies were consistent. We even had one on one studies. Most of all there wasn't a constant cloud of negativity and dread. How did I allow myself into being guilted into such an overwhelming situation? This is not the type of home I want to raise my babies in. Where is the laughter, the smiles, the happiness? We escape when we can and find it. But once we walk back in that door we each retreat our own isolated "escapes". I miss my kids!!! I have the most amazing kids ever. I wish we could go back to how things were, but its to late. Commitments have been made. I want to cry all the time. I miss them so much my heart hurts. And soon, they will be gone. I have hardly any time left with them. I could have made this commitment after that. My focus could be on them.

Looking back, part of the decision was because I was, more often than not, coming home to an empty house. The kids will call to get picked home (and get out of chores, which as a single, full time working mom I really needed them to do). And rather than telling them no, they would get picked up. Yes, they would be told to make sure the dishes were done first. Three kids can handle more than dishes. And, after working all day and just wanting quiet time at home with my kids I would have yet another stop to make. It was always insisted it was to help me, no matter how many times I said please don't. Not to mention, the television viewing was always so out of hand when they were over there. My kids watched so many things they should not have. Instead of it being monitored, they were simply asked "are you allowed to watch that?" Even if it were only appropriate shows several hours of television should have never been permitted. Turn it off, be the adult. You want them over there, provide alternate entertainment.

It did seem like this was a option worth considering at the time. The house is awesome, but I would rather be back living in our car than missing my kids before they are even grown. Our trip to Oregon was such a reminder of how much we really enjoy each other. The friends were incredible, the atmosphere, although they too have their stresses, was of happiness, hope and love. The focus wasn't on the enormous weight of this world's anxieties, but on promises for a beautiful future. The road trip itself was one of my favorite parts of the trip. Time just to be with two of my babies. I am so proud of them. They have truly grown up to be awesome young men. I am thankful that they have had so many wonderful spiritual role models. I am thankful to them all.

I kind of figured that blogging would make me feel better. By the end of my post, I realize that, of course, I am thankful the most to Jehovah. And I have so much more to be thankful to him for. No, I have no idea how I am going to handle all of these expenses, and yes, I miss my kids. But I do confide in Him, I do trust Him. It doesn't have to cost money to escape. We could do it more often. We could go on more walks, or just float on the river. We could write letters in the park again. The money, I guess I just need to do my best, pay what I can, and wait and see how my prayers will be answered.

Sacrifices

Two things plague my thoughts today. Both involve the passing of someone adored by many. Locally, we lost a man who was a brother to some a hero to others. Deaths of any kind are grievously painful, unexpected deaths even worse. I think all would agree when a death occurs as a result of someone attempting to save the life of another, it is especially tragic. Our community has lost a firefighter. Obviously not all of us in the community had met him, or knew him personally. But we all suffer the loss. my hope is that his family (at home and his Fire House) take comfort in knowing that his bravery and years of service to his community, protecting us, our homes, our children has not gone unnoticed. I, for one, truly appreciate all of our fire fighters and other First Responders. Theirs is a job I know I couldn't perform. Yet they do with such grace and humility we often forget to recognize their role in our lives. We forget the sacrifice they make every time they respond to a call. 

The sacrifice isn't limited to their physical well being. I can't imagine the toll it takes on them emotionally. Their bond is a powerful one. Losing one of their own, someone that they have shared both triumphs and tragedies, must be excruciating. Also, responding to a call were lives of been lost.

We have lost children in separate fires recently. generally when I hear of such events I grieve for the families, mention them in my prayers. I never thought to include the first responders. Their motive for being a Fire Fighter, Paramedic, etc is to save lives. The personal risk they take to do so shows their commitment and compassion. The pain in seeing a small body that you can not save must be unbearable, especially for those with children of their own. 

I talk a lot about bullies, victims, bystanders and allies. These men and women are absolute allies. It is my goal to keep that in mind and never take them for granted.

Guidance

Wow, I have seriously been slacking on this blog!The first thing I should mention is that Libby was found. She is safe and at home with her family. I don't know any of the details, nor is it any of my business. But it did make me think of the stresses of today's teenagers. In her case she has a wonderful family. Her mother is loving, nurturing and very devoted to both of her kids. It is easy to assume that if a child runs away it is due to a horrible home life. Obviously this isn't always true. What is always true is that kids, yes even teenagers, lack the experience to make wise decisions. This is especially true when under stress. It is so hard to see the "right now" as temporary. Therefore every issue is monumental. They also tend to look to their peers (other inexperienced teens, prone to the same unwise judgment) for guidance and support. This is not necessarily because their parents are unwillingly or unable to provide it. They do so because its human nature.

Think about it. Who do you go to for guidance and support? Is it the people you look up to? (your peers) Or are you inclined to ask those who will likely agree with what you have already set your heart on doing? That is exactly what these kids do. At some point maturity and wisdom will kick in. It is then that they will actually look up to the people who influence them to be the people they endeavor to become. This concept escapes many adults. Perhaps, then, us adults should model this more our youth. They should see that adults look to others for advice. (Not just their parents, but adults in general. As adults we have a core responsibility to model positive behavior for all kids.) Maybe, the kids will note who the adults look to. They could then decide to find such ones in their life.

Obviously, for a lot of us God is the primary person we look to for guidance. However, at times, we need reminders to do so. There are also many occasions that direction would be helpful, but isn't something we can find in the bible. We all need role models. Needing and having role models is in essence being a good role model.

I must reiterate - I do NOT know the circumstances involved with Libby. I have known her mother for many years. She has always been a beautiful soul and dedicated mother. This post is simply meant to encourage us all to be mindful of the example (regarding peers and guidance specifically) we are setting for youth in general.