Just a quick warning to all off my imaginary readers ☺- I am seriously overwhelmed with many things beyond my control... I have decided to submit to whining. It appears to make others feel better. That must be why so many do it so often. My blog is the venue for my whining since I don't post much anyway, and it doesn't feel as annoying as whining to people. Besides, that would require me confiding in someone, which apparently I can do online, huh? But I don't trust people. I don't want to, not in this system.
I continue to be overwhelmed with more responsibility than I can handle (primarily funds or lack thereof). I have no idea how I am going to get my Jeep fixed so that it doesn't rattle completely off the road as I attempt to drive it on the freeway, oh and I would really like to get the check engine light issues resolved so that I can get it smogged and finish putting it in my name (time-stamp on that one, registration due in a few months). Not to mention the bills I have agreed to continue to climb way beyond my pay scale. PGE and ATT, ouch, are way out of hand. I don't even know when the last time I paid either of them in full. I miss my little pink house and my little pink house bills. We gave it up when my hours were cut. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to afford to stay there without seriously letting go of less threatening bills. Perhaps I was a bit hasty. I pay almost as much in just ATT as I did in rent on that place. The utilities were low, about a quarter of what we pay now.We didn't have a home phone, but I hate having a home phone, so that was alright. The best part, though, was definitely the atmosphere. We had a happy home. The boys had friends over often. We played games a lot. We prepared for all the meetings thoroughly but in a timely manner. Family studies were consistent. We even had one on one studies. Most of all there wasn't a constant cloud of negativity and dread. How did I allow myself into being guilted into such an overwhelming situation? This is not the type of home I want to raise my babies in. Where is the laughter, the smiles, the happiness? We escape when we can and find it. But once we walk back in that door we each retreat our own isolated "escapes". I miss my kids!!! I have the most amazing kids ever. I wish we could go back to how things were, but its to late. Commitments have been made. I want to cry all the time. I miss them so much my heart hurts. And soon, they will be gone. I have hardly any time left with them. I could have made this commitment after that. My focus could be on them.
Looking back, part of the decision was because I was, more often than not, coming home to an empty house. The kids will call to get picked home (and get out of chores, which as a single, full time working mom I really needed them to do). And rather than telling them no, they would get picked up. Yes, they would be told to make sure the dishes were done first. Three kids can handle more than dishes. And, after working all day and just wanting quiet time at home with my kids I would have yet another stop to make. It was always insisted it was to help me, no matter how many times I said please don't. Not to mention, the television viewing was always so out of hand when they were over there. My kids watched so many things they should not have. Instead of it being monitored, they were simply asked "are you allowed to watch that?" Even if it were only appropriate shows several hours of television should have never been permitted. Turn it off, be the adult. You want them over there, provide alternate entertainment.
It did seem like this was a option worth considering at the time. The house is awesome, but I would rather be back living in our car than missing my kids before they are even grown. Our trip to Oregon was such a reminder of how much we really enjoy each other. The friends were incredible, the atmosphere, although they too have their stresses, was of happiness, hope and love. The focus wasn't on the enormous weight of this world's anxieties, but on promises for a beautiful future. The road trip itself was one of my favorite parts of the trip. Time just to be with two of my babies. I am so proud of them. They have truly grown up to be awesome young men. I am thankful that they have had so many wonderful spiritual role models. I am thankful to them all.
I kind of figured that blogging would make me feel better. By the end of my post, I realize that, of course, I am thankful the most to Jehovah. And I have so much more to be thankful to him for. No, I have no idea how I am going to handle all of these expenses, and yes, I miss my kids. But I do confide in Him, I do trust Him. It doesn't have to cost money to escape. We could do it more often. We could go on more walks, or just float on the river. We could write letters in the park again. The money, I guess I just need to do my best, pay what I can, and wait and see how my prayers will be answered.
I continue to be overwhelmed with more responsibility than I can handle (primarily funds or lack thereof). I have no idea how I am going to get my Jeep fixed so that it doesn't rattle completely off the road as I attempt to drive it on the freeway, oh and I would really like to get the check engine light issues resolved so that I can get it smogged and finish putting it in my name (time-stamp on that one, registration due in a few months). Not to mention the bills I have agreed to continue to climb way beyond my pay scale. PGE and ATT, ouch, are way out of hand. I don't even know when the last time I paid either of them in full. I miss my little pink house and my little pink house bills. We gave it up when my hours were cut. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to afford to stay there without seriously letting go of less threatening bills. Perhaps I was a bit hasty. I pay almost as much in just ATT as I did in rent on that place. The utilities were low, about a quarter of what we pay now.We didn't have a home phone, but I hate having a home phone, so that was alright. The best part, though, was definitely the atmosphere. We had a happy home. The boys had friends over often. We played games a lot. We prepared for all the meetings thoroughly but in a timely manner. Family studies were consistent. We even had one on one studies. Most of all there wasn't a constant cloud of negativity and dread. How did I allow myself into being guilted into such an overwhelming situation? This is not the type of home I want to raise my babies in. Where is the laughter, the smiles, the happiness? We escape when we can and find it. But once we walk back in that door we each retreat our own isolated "escapes". I miss my kids!!! I have the most amazing kids ever. I wish we could go back to how things were, but its to late. Commitments have been made. I want to cry all the time. I miss them so much my heart hurts. And soon, they will be gone. I have hardly any time left with them. I could have made this commitment after that. My focus could be on them.
Looking back, part of the decision was because I was, more often than not, coming home to an empty house. The kids will call to get picked home (and get out of chores, which as a single, full time working mom I really needed them to do). And rather than telling them no, they would get picked up. Yes, they would be told to make sure the dishes were done first. Three kids can handle more than dishes. And, after working all day and just wanting quiet time at home with my kids I would have yet another stop to make. It was always insisted it was to help me, no matter how many times I said please don't. Not to mention, the television viewing was always so out of hand when they were over there. My kids watched so many things they should not have. Instead of it being monitored, they were simply asked "are you allowed to watch that?" Even if it were only appropriate shows several hours of television should have never been permitted. Turn it off, be the adult. You want them over there, provide alternate entertainment.
It did seem like this was a option worth considering at the time. The house is awesome, but I would rather be back living in our car than missing my kids before they are even grown. Our trip to Oregon was such a reminder of how much we really enjoy each other. The friends were incredible, the atmosphere, although they too have their stresses, was of happiness, hope and love. The focus wasn't on the enormous weight of this world's anxieties, but on promises for a beautiful future. The road trip itself was one of my favorite parts of the trip. Time just to be with two of my babies. I am so proud of them. They have truly grown up to be awesome young men. I am thankful that they have had so many wonderful spiritual role models. I am thankful to them all.
I kind of figured that blogging would make me feel better. By the end of my post, I realize that, of course, I am thankful the most to Jehovah. And I have so much more to be thankful to him for. No, I have no idea how I am going to handle all of these expenses, and yes, I miss my kids. But I do confide in Him, I do trust Him. It doesn't have to cost money to escape. We could do it more often. We could go on more walks, or just float on the river. We could write letters in the park again. The money, I guess I just need to do my best, pay what I can, and wait and see how my prayers will be answered.
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